Images of masked faces, splashed in thick black blood, scream through his head. They disappear for a moment only to return in greater intensity. He rolls around in bed, the covers damp, his body glistening from the choking night. Giving up on sleep, he walks out to the living room to numb his mind in front of the TV; it's 2:14am. Staring at familiar informercials for 10-second blenders and rotisserie ovens, he plots his escape; a thirty minute drive to Nanaimo, six o'clock ferry back to Horseshoe Bay and he'll be home by quarter after eight. He could tell his parents that he wasn't feeling well, that he couldn't sleep, that he didn't want to do it anymore. They'd understand. What could they do anyway?

As his mind races to find a solution, he knows deep inside that it doesn't matter. At eight o'clock he won't be on his way home, he won't be back to his comfortable ignorance, he won't be able to crawl back into that familiar place. Defeated, he lies back down on the couch and stares at the florescent flashes of light that spray the walls of the dark room, leaving haunting shadows that echo through his mind. The familiar fear from a bad trip a few months ago begins to creep up on him and he tries to focus his attention on the TV again.

A man on the screen tries to tempt him with steaming roast chickens, perfectly browned and succulent, and the fear begins to ebb. He finds himself longing for food, a bag of chips, or a pizza; anything to get his mind off the morbid images that cloud his vision. There's no food around and eventually he drifts into a restless sleep and wakes up with the sun a few hours later, the TV still on.

The morning light, passing through the long white blinds casts pin stripes across the room. He decides to run a hot bath in a final attempt to get some sleep before having to leave. After setting the alarm on his phone, he slips into the scalding water. It burns his skin but the pain feels good and relieves his mind for a few minutes. As his body adjusts to the temperature, his eyes begin to droop uncontrollably shut and the world fades into bearable darkness.

The alarm jars him awake, beads of sweat start to flow down his forehead, the water still hot. He eases himself out of the tub, skin red from the heat, and throws on a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt. He grabs a hoodie from the closet, slips on a pair of sneakers, and makes his way out to the car.

The inside of the car is cold, his breath forms clouds of vapour that dance hurriedly away from him, disappearing into the surroundings. The key pushes into the ignition slowly before clicking and settling into it's resting place. His forehead lowers onto the top of the steering wheel and he inhales deeply; cool air rushing past teeth and tongue and down, seemingly forever, filling up every inch until he feels his chest might explode. Only then does he slowly let it flow out of his body, and in a final whisper says, "Be strong..."

There aren't many cars on the highway, its too early on a Saturday morning. Most people are still tucked into warm beds, with flannel sheets and soft mattresses, dreaming dreams they won't remember, leaving their day to day lives on hold as their bodies rest. Trees flow past on either side, a blur of dark greens that never seem to break. The sun sprays golden light through the tips of their branches, igniting the damp road like a sheet of fire. Beyond the trees lie long stretching fields of farmland that meet the low ridges of Mt. Arrowsmith, which spreads out and touches lakes and forests and other ranges before flowing deep into the pacific ocean. All of this is abundant with life, and change, and beauty, but he has no clue. His mind settles on just one thought, What the fuck happened?

A voice from the GPS tells him to turn right to reach his destination. In a moment of hesitation he drives past and pulls over to the side of the road a few blocks down. Come on, come on, come on... You can do this. Just go in, sit down, blend in and you'll be done in no time. Just turn around. Turn the car around and go back and face this. After a few quick breathes he pulls a u-turn on the quiet street and heads back to the parking lot he'd passed just minutes before. From the car the clock reads 7:58am, he drums on the steering wheel, exhales, and gets out.

The building is modern and welcoming, there are lots of windows that accept the now brilliant sunlight and the pale green roof steams from the melting frost. An entry way of grey stones encloses the brown windowed doors and offers a glimpse into the new setting. Fresh cedar walls are lit up by a mixture of sun and a large hanging chandelier that brightens up everything in the room. A counter lays shortly within the entrance, smooth river stones line the outside of it, giving the room a very nature-like atmosphere. Some plants sit on top of the counter, their vines pouring over onto the stones in luscious bunches. The floor is concrete, but small soft pebbles laid into it add a natural feel.

After hesitating once more at the front door, he opens it and walks in. A woman with curly brown hair and red-rimmed glasses smiles from behind the counter and takes his name. She says that most of the group has already arrived and that he can meet them through the set of closed doors at the end of the room. As he opens the door, he can see a few people wandering around, no one attempting to strike up conversation. There are seven chairs setup in a circle in the middle of the carpeted room. Wall to wall windows let natural light stream in and add its warmth. Looking around, he can see there are five other people present already and while assessing the room, one more person enters behind him, that makes seven, he thinks. Trying to act boldly, he moves straight for the circle of chairs and sits down in one facing the windows. He does this for two reasons, firstly so he can let his mind wander to the world outside during the day, and secondly because the sun in his eyes gives him an excuse to avoid eye contact with the other people present.

"I see we're eager to get started." says a female voice from behind him. "Let's all grab a seat then guys."

She sounds attractive, he imagines her young face, blond hair pulled into a pony tail, maybe even wearing a pair of those Lulu Lemon pants that accentuate all the right areas. His initial thoughts of pleasure turn to fear as he realizes he's going to be asked to share personal details of his life with her and his hands begin to get clammy and cold. Finally he dares to take a look in her direction to see that she is far from what he imagined. In front of him is a plump little woman in her mid to late sixties. Her hair is short and greying, and her cheeks have a rosiness to them that is fondly reminiscent of a grandparent. As he smiles to her, he chuckles to himself at how poorly we are sometimes at assessing things.

After everyone is seated, she takes a moment and looks at each one of them in turn, a warm smile on her face. She pauses a few seconds on each person as if saying hello but without words. He feels a mixture of emotions, there is a warmth and comfort that emanates from her, but he also feels uncomfortable being looked at by a complete stranger.

Finally she speaks, "Welcome everyone, I'm so glad to be able to share this experience with you. My name is Marta. I've been coordinating this program for many years, and it brings me such joy to see you all here. Before we go any further, I'd like to get to know a little bit more about each of you." Then she looks directly at him and says, "You must be Alex, why don't you tell us about yourself."

In a split second, his brain takes him through the past 19 years of his life. Early morning hockey practices, holiday dinners, road trips to unknown destinations, high schools friends, old crushes, his family... Tell you about myself? How does she expect me to tell her about myself when I feel like I don't even know a thing about myself?

He clears his throat awkwardly and begins, "Well, I'm 19 years old and in my second year of university at Simon Fraser in Burnaby, studying Geography."

Marta smiles and nods at him, "And what do you want to get out of this Alex?"

He chuckles, "Honestly? I don't have a clue."

"Well, why did you come?" She asks warmly.

With a forced smile he responds, "Well..."

Alex grew up in a relatively wealthy home. His father, Terry, was a prominent engineer working for a government organization, and his mother, Lilian, a nurse in a local hospital. Both would take summers off to take Alex and his twin sister, Jen, on long road trips across Canada and into the Western United States. Lilian would take early shifts at the hospital so that she could meet the kids after school on her walk home, and Terry worked a lot from his office at the house so that family dinners were always abundant while Alex was growing up.

His parents were lovely people, they weren't extraordinary by any means, but they were full of love for their family and friends, and sometimes that's all you need. On weekends they would take the kids for hikes on the local mountains, or bike rides along the seawall, and on weeknights Alex and Jen would finish their homework together sitting at the dinner table.

Often it can be difficult growing up with a twin but Alex and Jen always seemed to get along, likely because their personalities fit so well together. Alex was the one coming up with creative new things to try and Jen, always adventurous, was happy getting to be the first to experience whatever it was that he had come up with.

One autumn when they were 8, Alex stared in awe from the kitchen table at all the wonderful reds, oranges, and yellows that floated gracefully through the sky and littered the ground like a complex and beautiful painting. He thought it would be brilliant to experience what the leaves were going through so he grabbed Jen and dragged her outside. They both began relentlessly gathering leaves and piling them at the base of the garage. In no time at all, the colourful pile was 2 feet high and Alex began to stack garbage cans, and boxes from around the yard to build a makeshift ladder up to the roof. Within minutes Jen was standing high above, bold and fearless, a grin on her face that spoke so much more of her character than words ever could. Without hesitation she leapt out into the air, arms spread open, eyes dreaming. Alex saw it all in slow motion, a sense of excitement and envy on his face as she soared into the unknown.

She landed with a thud in the leaves below and within seconds the air was filled with high-pitched cries. Alex raced to her side to see blood trickling down her face where her head had smacked a rock beneath the leaves. He held her close to him and screamed for their mother. Lilian came running from the kitchen and took charge immediately. Within moments they were in the car, speeding to the hospital. Jen was whimpering in the front seat while Alex leaned anxiously over her, his face ridden with guilt.

He didn't leave her for a second while she was in emergency. Even when she got home, with 12 stitches scarring her delicate forehead, he wouldn't leave her side. He laid in bed with her the whole night. She had sustained a moderate concussion and every time Terry came in to check on her, Alex would be awake, his face full of concern.

As Alex and Jen grew older, their parents gave them the space to grow and become young adults. The freedom to make their own mistakes and an environment that encouraged learning, lent them the opportunity to develop into strong-willed and determined individuals.

They shared a special bond that a lot of siblings never have, or don't develop until much later in life. When they graduated from high school and Jen decided to go away for university, it was a struggle for both of them. Alex would have readily joined her but he had a girlfriend at home that he wasn't willing to leave behind. Jen desperately wanted him to come with her, but they both realized that this might just be a step they had to take alone.

Alex's first year of university was difficult. He wasn't completely sure why he had chosen to study Business other than that it wasn't Arts or Sciences. The required courses were dull and boring.

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Jen!

I don't get it. I thought university would be the solution, but it's just more structure. Economics, calculus, english...gah! I wonder why we can't just learn what we want to? Instead, its just another long list of things that I have to learn - where's the choice? Education holds this emptiness in me, I've always enjoyed learning, I thought? Remember when dad used to take us out to the field at Fort Casey and teach us about the stars? I used to dream of being 'Orion the Invincible', fighting off lions and demons and whatever came my way.

I tried calling the other night, you must have been busy. It's weird not having you around. I miss how able you are at levelling my head when I'm being ridiculous and unreasonable. Hah, I'm sure Jayna misses you too in that sense. We're doing alright I guess, there are always struggles but I guess thats normal. When we do run into problems, I try and ask myself, What would Jen say? and usually the answer is something along the lines of, shut up and listen to her Alex. I really do think she misses you.

Anyways... I hope you're doing alright, how are things with your roommate? I'd imagine it must be difficult to adjust to not having me around, I set the bar pretty high eh =P? Call me when you have time ok?

Love you so much!

Alex
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Alex and Jayna had been together for a year now. They met through a mutual friend in their grade 12 Chemistry class and had been inseparable ever since. She had jet black hair that pulled into a neat pony tail, rich brown skin, large shimmering eyes, and a smile that could warm you right down to the depths of your soul. From the moment he saw her, he was determined to be a part of her life.

Countless nights were spent awake with Jen scheming ways to find some time alone with her so that he could ask her out. Alex's elaborate plans of structuring 'chance' meetings seemed tedious and eventually Jen won over with getting him to just pull her aside after class and ask her out on a date.

Although he only managed to mutter, "Hi...you and I... date sometime?", she seemed to think it was cute and before long they were spending almost every day together. Over time, moments of awkward bliss slowly turned to comfortable happiness and they were both content with where they were.

Jayna and Jen warmed to each other quickly. They discovered that they shared a lot of common interests and it wasn't long before they were having 'girl days' without Alex, at which he joked about being hurt, but really he was just glad that they were getting along.

When Jayna would work late at the mall, Alex would pick her up. And when Alex was home sick from school with a cold, Jayna would cut class to bring him soup or a box full of movies to occupy the day.

Eventually one night, after their graduation ceremony, he looked into her beautiful eyes and told her he loved her and she smiled, let a single tear drip down her cheek and whispered that she loved him to. They pushed the back seat of the car down and lay on the cool surface, an old blanket pulled over them, staring into each others eyes, full of bliss. He held her in his arms until the warmth in his heart threatened to explode and he pushed back and had to look into her eyes again, kiss her soft lips, and caress the soft skin of her cheek.

When he got home, he rushed to tell Jen what had happened and she hugged him and smiled and shared his excitement. This was the relationship that he shared with his sister. She meant the world to him and she supported him in everything he did. He loved her with every part of his soul and she loved him in return.

They waited at the airport until the last passenger had walked out. It was a late flight, and by now it was well past midnight. They waited for two more planes to land, unload their passengers, and then disappear from the arrivals screen. Finally they talked to someone from the airline to ask about Jen. To their surprise, the woman said that Jen hadn't been on the flight. Terry and Lilian looked at each other with confusion and ebbs of worry began to mark the corners of their eyes.

"She must have missed it, you know how late she can be." Terry laughed forcibly.

"She's not answering her phone..." said Alex after putting his cell back in his pocket.

With no point in being at the airport, they started to make the drive home. They figured it would be too late to catch another flight so Jen must be on her way back to the student housing. Alex had phone numbers for some of Jen's friends in Toronto and began making calls to see if he could track her down. No one had heard from her since she'd left for the airport. Her friend Sarah said that Jen had mentioned going for coffee with a guy she'd met, before heading to the airport but that was the last she'd heard from her.

They rode the rest of the way in silence and were expecting the light on the answering machine to be blinking when they got in with a message from Jen but it wasn't. It was three o'clock now and they decided to head to bed when the phone rang. Terry rushed to pick it up.

"Hello?" he said with a tone of urgency. "Yes it is...yes..." and then it happened. In that one moment, in a split second, the world came unhinged. At first it was just the wallpaper that started to peel in front of Alex's eyes, but then the ceiling began to crack and bits of drywall fell to the floor. Then the wall behind the phone ripped down the centre and flew through the front of the house. The entire upstairs crumbled in on itself, the gas line burst and flames spewed into the air. An airplane in the distance lost control and flew towards the earth in a shower of liquid metal. The whole planet shook before Alex's eyes and then with a blink it was all gone.

In a time so small that it couldn't be past or present or future, but somewhere mixed in between the three, Terry's face transformed all of their lives. A sickening moan came from his distorted face as he fell against the wall.

"Oh no, oh dear God, no. Oh God please..." he croaked between cries that sounded inhuman.

Lilian was immediately in tears, rushing towards him, grabbing him, shaking him, "What happened Terry? What happened to my baby? Where is my baby? Terry, oh God, Terry, where is my little girl?" she was sobbing. "What happened to my little girl?!"

Alex stood motionless at the door, his mind couldn't make sense of it. He saw his parents on the ground, crying, screaming, but it didn't mean anything to him. He couldn't connect it to Jen or the phone call or his own feelings. He just stood there and watched them, his mouth slightly open, his eyes blank, emotionless.